But I have been determined to soldier on. And because of that I have been forced to look elsewhere for support. And that has led me to some new insights that I do not believe were just coincidences. In fact, I now think that was a hidden gift in this experience.
Let me explain.
After John transitioned, my need for connection with him led me to a new level in my spiritual life that I would never have attained had it not been for his passing. In my book, I spoke about how that was just one of the gifts he gave me.
But I admit, over the years, even though I still learned at every opportunity - and there were many - there have been times in the last couple of years that I may have gotten a bit complacent. I know in the last few months, for example, I was not meditating as much as I had been before or should be.
And then "this" happened.
In my quest for answers, I turned to God and to John and my Team. I started meditating again.
I took a step back and evaluated what was important in my life and what needed to be let go.
I asked John for advice and the message I heard in my head was "Get purer."
Hmm...an interesting comment. John was very fond of saying "Things are happening the way they are supposed to." He didn't push against things. Instead, he let things roll off his back. He was very forgiving. He prayed. Often.
And very similar.
Don't worry so much.
Let things go.
Practice the Serenity Prayer.
Do more of this (meditating).
Grief takes many forms. In this blog, we have talked most often about grief as it relates to losing our soul mates but we grieve other losses too. Losing health is a loss that surely shakes us up and puts potholes where once we had a straight safe path.
So, once again, being shaken up has forced me to reassess and while I am not happy about my situation, I am trying, as I did when John passed, to look for a hidden gift in all of this.
No, I am not turning into Pollyanna. When a bad thing happens, it sucks. No getting around that.
But I am also not going to waste the opportunity to use this experience to my advantage. I am going to go back to my spiritual path and aim for serenity and peace.
It's a work in progress.